Read, Write, Love
Things I wish I did with my time:
read more
write more
love more
… not in that order.
On my vacation, I got to do a lot of reading that I usually never find the time for. I’ve read as much in the past 2 months as I have in the 2 years before that. It’s now the norm for me to be in the middle of 4 or 5 books at once.
As for writing, I’ve always wished I blogged more. Mostly on pl patterns, but now also on How to Be a Romantic. (An outlet for each side of my brain.) I’ve finally developed the confidence to actually write about all the things I’ve always wanted to write about, and do it with posture. And hopefully help someone along the way.
I’d also like to use writing to communicate with people better. I’m far better at communicating in writing than in other modes. Partially b/c it’s dumbed down to my level; none of that non-verbal stuff that I am so inadept at. But partially b/c it’s so much easier to convey all the deep meaning I see in the world, in writing. Plus, when I say something, somehow those words are tied to me. But when I write the same thing, the words are released into the world free of a speaker, free of me, and are as close to pure ideas as I can reach.
As for loving more, I really mean overcoming the fear I’ve always had to actively spend more time with the people I value, and give myself to them. I want more than ever for my relationships to move offline, out of my head, and into the physical world, where the adventures and romance can grow beyond my own imagination, approaching true discovery. That is a gift I can give. A gift that no one else can give.
It’s happening already. I have more stories to tell, and more ears to tell them to. I used to wonder how people kept up with so many friends. But then I realized how: they simply enjoyed it and didn’t worry about spreading themselves thin, b/c the more they loved, the easier it was to love.
I’m not afraid anymore. And like a great wall that’s blocked me from being with what I’ve always longed for, finally falling and crumbling, I’m now sprinting to the other side.
For me, the hardest part was always falling for the idea that I was worthless. And I can only give what I believe I am worth, or have to give. That is why I can love now when I couldn’t before. Because loving is all about giving yourself.
